My voice has been silenced - spoken word

I am woman. And this is my voice.

A voice that’s been silenced for 5000 years.

Through history. 

And to this day.

So many times...

I was not allowed to speak 

Speak up, speak my mind, express my feelings, have an opinion.

Because I might just hurt someone’s feelings.

I might step on some toes.

I might not be right.

I might not be…accepted.

I was welcome, but without my voice.

I was invited to sit in on meetings, gatherings, trials and celebrations.

To be receptive.

To be a sponge.

To be kind without barriers.

To receive without resistance.

To sit there…without my voice.

Consciously I knew I had all the freedom in the world.

My body could just stand up and walk away, now couldn’t it?

My mouth could open and speak my truth, now couldn’t it?

Who was going to stop me?

But me…?

There was nothing literally gagging my mouth.

No chains or shackles constraining me.

No specific threats or repercussions had been uttered.

But it was tangible.

Because I was being shackled by something far more heavy than iron:

I was being shackled by tradition.

I was being chained by thick expectations.

I could feel the grip of thousands of years of oppression 

like an invisible hand on my throat.

I could feel the weight of this obligation…

To always respond with kindness, even to hostility.

To always be accepting, even in the face of brutality.

To be unconditional love and self-sacrificing mother to everyone.

And so I ask:

Why do you want to take away my freedom?

Why can’t you just let me do what I want to do?

Why can’t you let me say what I have to say?

Is that how much you fear me?

That you have to manipulate me 

by using my strength to love against me?

Now where did I sign that one-sided contract that only protects you 

and leaves me with nothing?

Because in this game you play, I can never win.

For if I comply, I lose myself.

And if I fight, I become like you.

So I choose not to play.

‘She refused.’

I'm serious.

I will not sit in on your games and be the card you play.

I will not sit in on your meetings, gatherings, trials and celebrations, 

if not on my own terms.

If I choose to show up, it will be all of me: 

my mind, my feelings, opinions.
And my boundaries in place.

I will be present, with my voice.

You will hear my subjective truth.

And I shall not defend nor over-explain myself.

I will be in the lead.

I will claim my ideas.

I will take credit.

I will say ‘no’.

I will call bullshit.

I will stop accusing myself.

And lay the blame where you can own it.

And through every dreadful meeting, labored gathering, long-winded trial and prosy celebration,

I will be my own judge and my own witness.

I will love myself all the way through every freaking moment of the entire freaking process.

I will turn the strength to love

To myself.

© Monique van der Werff